7/18/2008 – Bittersweet reunion

My oldest daughter brought he rson Aidan & my son Jacob to visit.  It was great to see them (obviously) and to get totalk face to face.  The visiting room is predtty laid back.  It reminds me of a school cafeteria.  We can sit by each other, hold hands and the little kids can sit in my lap.  If you follow a few simple rules things should generally go well.  Everything was great up until the time you have to say good bye.  They go their way and start a 4+ hour drive home & I go my way, back into the prison camp.  I am so thankful for the time I tgot to spend with my family but even so , all I want to do now is go lay in my bunk, turn my face toward the wall and think about my family until I can fall to sleep for a couple of peaceful hours.

P.S – Breanna & Aidan came back again the next weekend.  Bre taught me to play dominos. Aidan had fun knocking them down and I can’t wait to do it again & again & again.

May 28 – Serious Irony (or at least zemblanity)

So, at this point, I am obviously trying to learn everything I can about the prison designation process. As I am reading through one of the many articles on the subject I realize that I have come to somewhat of an interesting discovery. Now at the risk of sounding a little bit flippant, but for the benefit of a truly wonderful example of irony, what I have discovered is that there is a semi-secret formula that is calculated by one office for every Federal Prison in the entire United States. The office is located in the pretty small Texas town of Grand Prairie (about 10% of the population of Dallas).

Now here is the irony; one of the biggest things going on in that small town for the last several years has been the Wildflower Resort and Golf Courses; the real estate development project that has become the bane of my existence and the center of my legal troubles. The Federal BOP Designation and Sentence Computation Center is just about 10 miles from the development site. The development is constantly in the paper there, and unfortunately I have even made the paper there personally.

I believe there are over 10,000 cities & towns in America and over 3.5 million square miles, so figure the odds on these two places being less than 15 miles apart! However, I doubt my recent change in designated security levels has much, if anything, to do with all of this. It is just something that struck me as at least interesting fodder for the day. 

May 20 – Definitely, Maybe, For Sure….

After getting several different answers, from several different people, I have been asked to believe another oral representation that even though my designation letter states that I have been designated to spend my confinement at Sheridan Federal Correctional Institution (FCI); in reality I am supposed to report to the Federal Detention Center (FDC) at Sheridan where I will be processed and evaluated and then transferred to the FCI where I will be evaluated/watched some more and then when (if?) it is determined that it is appropriate I will be transferred to the Satellite Prison Camp (SPC) for the remainder of my time. 

What this means, I am not actually sure. In the end, I am spending the same amount of time away from my family and friends, which is by far the most painful part of my sentence. As long as I am as close to them as possible and I have similar opportunities to talk to them on the phone (300 minutes/month) or have them visit me (approx 6 visits/month) I will choose to feel blessed and look for ways to improve myself and help others while I am there. Which is easy to say and think out here, so my prayers are that I can maintain these desires on my worst day inside whatever prison I end up at.

May 15 – More Promises Broken

I have done the best I can to make this little journal as neutral as possible and to not spend time in here complaining about what has happened or defending myself against a myriad of accusations. However, I may have reached a point where that is no longer important to me.

I received a letter today telling me that I had been officially designated to the higher security prison in Sheridan, Oregon for my confinement instead of the Low Security Camp across the street. This is not only something else that is much different from what was “promised” to me, it was probably the biggest thing that was emphasized when I was being “convinced” by the government to agree to enter a plea agreement. I was told that if I went to trial they would come after me with a vengeance and once I lost (a foregone conclusion in their mind) that I would spend much, much more time in prison, but that did not matter as much as the fact that I would spend it in an actual prison instead of a Low Security Camp. I was told that a year in a camp is far better then a week in a Federal Correction Institution, especially for a “guy like me”.

How far does somebody “like me” have to actually go before I know what it means to have Jesus and nothing more, and know that that is enough?

May 1 – Parenting From Behind The Wall

I have been looking for any ideas or links to information that I can personally do to love and support my family while I am detained, but I have not been able to find very much at all. I have looked within the system, various prisoner support groups and on the Internet and I cannot find a single, simple and thorough collection of ideas.

So hopefully I can start one that I can use and that will eventually become a catalyst for a conversation that should be taking place in every nook and cranny of the penal system. I am initially trying to think of things (from silly to stupendous) that I can do or prepare before reporting and those I can do while I am serving my time.  I imagine that this will expand into what I can do to be the best parent I can after I am released from prison as well as to how I can love my wife before, during and after as well.

If you’re reading this and have any ideas that you would like to share, please send them to me at calicodog@gmail.com so that I can add them to my list.

Here is what I have come up with so far…PDF Document

April 29 – Encouragement From a Friend

I received an email from a friend of mine today that had some great encouragement from RBC’s My Utmost for His Highest devotional. I thought it was more than worth sharing….

Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3).

The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

April 15 – Overwhelmed

Well, it has obviously been awhile since I’ve written something here. Along with just being been pretty overwhelmed with all of the practical and personal preparations needed for going to prison for four years I am trying to work through the myriad emotions that surround the entire situation. The most crippling thing for me has been an acute state of depression that seems to come and go throughout the days. My energy level has been pretty low and it has been difficult to get even the most basic of tasks done well. I will leave the discussion of my new found inclination to give in to anxiety for another day…

That all being said, there are also good moments and even good days that I have been blessed with recently. Lots of support from friends and spending time with my family has been very comforting. It is interesting how intensely precious the most common of interactions become when you realize that you will be losing them for quite some time. It begs the question as to which is a healthier state of mind (or set of conditions) one that makes you comfortable but somewhat aloof of the treasures around you or one that is extremely painful but makes you extremely aware of the relationships, people and things that you are truly blessed with.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about these types of things in the last several months especially, and I am excited to think that one of the blessings that will come from my time in prison will be a truly changed and enlightened belief about many of them. I am actually already starting to change my thinking on some things and forging some new opinions about what my family and I are experiencing…but I am hesitant to commit them to writing as of yet. I need more time to work them out. So until next time…..  

April 1 – Bold, Passionate Follower of Jesus!

I believe there is a bold Christian with unbridled passion for Christ and the Gospel sleeping (cowering?) somewhere deep in my soul, or being.  I want to say that he is sleeping or that he is looking for the strength/resolve to show himself….. but the more honest thought is that I am too attached to my sins, too in love with “myself”, too addicted to this world:  so much so that I do everything I can to ignore the good seeds that God has planted in my soul, even in my flesh (theology??). I have wondered for years how I would ever become this bold, passionate follower of Christ…..

I can ( hopefully) see how this path to give me the opportunity to go much, much deeper with God and with myself and find out if this person does exist inside of me; if these desires are genuine or if they are just romanticized longings.     

March 26 – Walking With Dietrich

Dietrich Bonhoeffer is one of my heroes. If you have not read his biography or writings (or listened to Bonhoeffer: The Cost of Freedom) you are truly missing out on one of the greatest examples of living out the Christian faith of the 20th century and some of the best practical theology you will ever read. 

One of his works seems awfully close to my heart right now, Letters and Papers from Prison. “Which is a collection of notes and correspondence covering the period from his arrest in 1943 to his execution by the Gestapo in 1945. The book is probably most famous, and most important, for its idea of “religionless Christianity”–an idea Bonhoeffer did not live long enough fully to develop, but whose timeliness only increases as the lines between secular and ecclesial life blur. Bonhoeffer’s first mention of “religionless Christianity” came in a letter in 1944:”

What is bothering me incessantly is the question what Christianity really is, or indeed who Christ really is, for us today. The time when people could be told everything by means of words, whether theological or pious, is over, and so is the time of inwardness and conscience–and that means the time of religion in general. We are moving towards a completely religionless time; people as they are now simply cannot be religious any more. Even those who honestly describe themselves as “religious” do not in the least act up to it, and so they presumably mean something quite different by “religious.”

Here are some other excerpts from the collection:

 

Prison Life – August 17th 1943
“Prison life seems to give one a certain detachment from the alarums and excitement of the day.”

A Lesson on Dependency – September 13th 1943
“It’s a queer feeling to be so utterly dependent on the help of others, but at least it teaches one to be grateful, a lesson I hope I shall never forget. In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give, and life cannot be rich without such gratitude. It is so easy to overestimate the importance of our own achievements compared with what we owe to the help of others.”

Old Testament & Liberty – November 20th 1943
“Why is it that the Old Testament never punishes a man by depriving him of his liberty.”

Great Battles & Skirmishes – December 15th 1943
“Great battles are easier to fight than daily skirmishes.”

The Unexpected – December 17th 1943
“It is the unexpected that happens”

Voyages of Literary Discovery – December 17th 1943
“A spiritual heritage reaching back for centuries is a wonderful support and comfort in face of all temporary stresses and strains. I believe that the man who is aware of such reserves of power need not be ashamed of the tender feelings evoked by the memory of a rich and noble past, for such feelings belong in my opinion to the better and nobler part of mankind.”

The Will of God – December 18th 1943
“Of course, not everything that happens is the will of God, yet in the last resort nothing happens without his will (Matt. 10:29)” 

Duty to the Past – February 1st 1944
“Goodness, beauty, and truth, however, and all great accomplishments need time, permanence, and memory., less they deteriorate. The man who has no urge to do his duty to the past and to shape the future is a man without a memory, and there seems to me no way of getting hold of such a person and bringing him to his senses. Every word, even if it impresses him for a moment, goes through one ear and out of the other. What is to be done with him? It is a tremendous pastoral problem.”

Living with Adversity – March 19th 1944
“I think we should live even in this place as though we had no desires and no future to hope for, and just be our true selves. It is remarkable what an influence one acquires in this way over other men. . . . We can have a full life even when we haven’t got everything we want–that is what I am really trying to say.”

Inner & Outer – July 8th 1944
“The Bible does not recognize our distinction of outer inner and ‘inner.” ….. “The discovery of inwardness, so called, derives from the renaissance, from Petrarch perhaps.” …. “The ‘heart’ in the biblical sense is not the inward life, but the whole man in relation to God” 

Metanoia – July 18th 1944
“It is not some religious act which makes a Christian what he is, but participation in the suffering of God in the life of the world.

March 23 – The Morning After the Morning After…

Well, I guess we can all see where this is going… So I think I will just add a link to a music video below and the lyrics to it as well. It is beautiful, true and especially comforting to me right now….

Praise You In The Storm by Casting Crowns

I  was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away.
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining,

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”, And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes awayou

I’ll praise You in this storm, And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side, And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when, I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone, How can I carry on
If I can’t find You.I lift my eyes unto the hills, Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, The Maker of Heaven and Earth