8/9/2008 – lots of heartbreak

This place is full of heartbreaking stories – Wendy, Maddy and I had the opportunity to wish another inmate’s son a happy 10th birthday. You could tell by watching them they were very close.  The way the son was content to sit on his dad’s lap with his arms around his dad’s neck.  The way the dad talked to his young boy & looked so deep into his eyes.  It would have been a beautiful thing to see anywhere else; but in here beauty does not seem to be able to exist without tragedy.

I talked with the dad the next day & found out he probably won’t see his sone again for another year.  He lives 4 hours south of here with his mom & she won’t bring him.  His grandpa brought him here for a camping trip.  The father has another 10 years to server & is hoping to be out in time to see his son graduate (with good time)  As he tell me his story I can’t help but to break down & cry which isn’t the coolest thing to do in here – but it is the most human thing to do.  Either way it creates an awkward moment for at least one of us.  After which we talked some more.

I felt so helpless & even guilty.  It would take to little to do so much for a lot of these guys.  But how & where to start seems to be somehow out of my grasp right now.

PS – on the heels of this conversation I talked with one of the guys I really like in here who was excited because his wife & son were making one of their two annual visits because they live in Hawaii & can’t afford to come more often, needless to say…

8/4/2008 – Wendy & Maddy finally arrive

Wendy & Maddy finally came to see me (they were with Wendy’s family on the east coast).  It had been more othan a month since I left them & the rest of my family for this substandard existence – a month was far too long & it was emotionally overwhelming for all of us to say the least.  We enjoyed two days (6 hours each day) of each others company – talking, laughing, crying, holding hands, kissing, roughhousing , touching & just being alone together in a room with 20 or so other families who were trying to be alone together. 

Then it was time to go and I could fell all of our hearts breaking again.  We did our best to smile through the tears.  I watched them drive off & then I climbed into my bunk, turned towards the wall & thought about how blessed I am to love & be loved.

Everyone deals with their time here differently, but I have noticed that a lot of guys disappear or are at least noticeably subdued after they receive a visit.

I am also pretty blessed to have some good guys around me in here.  They are good at giving you space when you need it and they are good at helping you to stop feeling sorry for yourself when you need to do that as well.

One thing I want to resist through is the notion that the post visit blues will get better with time, which has often been my reassurance from my comrades.  I do not want it to get better.  I don’t ever want to feel that being forcefully separated from my famliy & friends is normal or getting easier. Even if it does make my time here easier.

I will not let this place dull my senses or diminish my passions.  I won’t try to ignore my ardent desire to be in deep personal communication with my family; to be the only things that matter to me at this point (besides walking with Christ); a husband, father & friend.

6 more days to my next visit!

8/1/08 – The first 30 days

Well, I have been here for 30 days & I was in the process of writing a summary of my first month “in captivity” when I was overwhelmed with the thought that the one thing I really needed to express right now is how I so desperately want to see God.

 I want to see God’s purpose for me in this, for my family in this.  I know that he has a purpose – I just want to see it clearly, now, even if just for a moment.

To be honest, I admit that I want to see God’s end purpose in this journey while I am only at the beginning and the intensity of that desire may be the strongest indication that I need to go through ths without being able to see God’s ultimate purpose in it.

I understand that is what journeys with God are often about.  The journey itself not the beginning, not ever the end, but the walking through…

So 30 days down & many more to go.  When & how it ends I honestly don’t know.  For now I will walk and do my best not to rush God, but oh how I am praying for his presence & his comfort.

 Love Jesus.  PLEASE!!!!