8/1/08 - The first 30 days

Well, I have been here for 30 days & I was in the process of writing a summary of my first month “in captivity” when I was overwhelmed with the thought that the one thing I really needed to express right now is how I so desperately want to see God.

 I want to see God’s purpose for me in this, for my family in this.  I know that he has a purpose - I just want to see it clearly, now, even if just for a moment.

To be honest, I admit that I want to see God’s end purpose in this journey while I am only at the beginning and the intensity of that desire may be the strongest indication that I need to go through ths without being able to see God’s ultimate purpose in it.

I understand that is what journeys with God are often about.  The journey itself not the beginning, not ever the end, but the walking through…

So 30 days down & many more to go.  When & how it ends I honestly don’t know.  For now I will walk and do my best not to rush God, but oh how I am praying for his presence & his comfort.

 Love Jesus.  PLEASE!!!!

7/17/08 - I’m a bit depressed

 

 

I have been a bit depressed for the last several days and I have not felt like writing very much.  I think I am coming back to the middle now though at least for awhile! J  Some of the days seem to be unbearably long in here and any contemplation of how long I am going to actually be here, away from my family, can send me into a nose dive fast.  So I try to stay motivated and keep my mind as engaged as possible.  Then there is the issue of my now untreated ADD……

Life without meds, internet, IPod, computer, music, videos, bible software, volume, TV, movies, business work, magazines, projects, freedom, unlimited options, grappling, fighting, sports, UFC, American Idol…..  (Which pales in comparison to life without being able to touch and see my family)  Ok, so maybe I am still in a little bit of a funk.

 

Just to expand/clarify….

 

TV- We have four TV rooms with limited channels.  Nascar, NFL, baseball and golf rule in here, all of which I find to be pretty unfulfilling.  Oddly enough, the more abundant my free time has become… the more urgent the need to use it efficiently.  So I have spent less then two hours in the TV rooms since I arrived here 2 plus weeks ago.  As a side note, it is commonly understood that 80% of the conflict in here either start or end in the TV room.  I am not looking for conflict (but I have also decided that I am not running from it either) 

 

Movies- Unlike most federal prisons, we do not get access to movies routinely.  The few we have had have been old, but they have provided a nice mental break. 

7/13/08 - The Ebbs and Flows of Prison Life

 

            First of all this is a low security camp.  So it pales in comparison to the FCI nest door that is still in lockdown and their third day of hunger strike. 

            That being sad there is an abundance of sorrow in this place.  Wives leaving their inmate husbands, children forsaking their fathers, returned letters and refused phone calls, missed weddings, graduations and other important moments in the lives of loved ones.

            My “neighbors” children were taken back to Mexico and estranged from him, my bible study brother has been told he can not talk to his eleven year old daughter anymore, another brother asked for prayer for his (birth) brother who robbed a bank in Seattle last week and got shot in the process; he is now in critical condition.  An inmate father gave praise because his son does not have to come to prison as well, he will only have to wear an ankle bracelet.  All of these revelations in a matter of a day in here.  My sorrows seem trite in comparison, but still they can overwhelm me if I am not careful.  In fact everyone else’s sorrows can overwhelm me if I am not careful.

            If nothing else this is al driving me to my knees, my belly actually!  Prayer- what else is there at this point?  I can not take care of my family physically or financially at all.  I can’t really provide a lot of emotional support or direct spiritual guidance.  I have to cry out to God to be a husband to my wife and a father to my children.

            I look around and find a sea of depravity and ponder what could possibly influence a massive change – surely not me!  Not alone without God, without the work of the Holy Spirit… and so again I am driven to my knees where I immediately feel inadequate for the tasks at hand and so somehow that just reinforces my need to be there, here, on my knees!!  Please God, teach me to pray!!

7/10/2008 - I still like a good handshake

 

The proper physical greeting here is a light touch of the fist- I still like a good hand shake!  A couple of guys have tried to help me get with the program and tell me “this is how we do it in here.”  I smile and say that I understand and then I add and that “It is not always in our best interest to act like we are in prison.”  Which usually compels a smile…. And a handshake.

7/10/2008 - Lockdown

 

 

Well I had my first experience of a full scale lock down and emergency count.  This one seemed to be a lot of drama over a small deal of someone sneaking a smoke.  I guess this guy was on the “most wanted” list so the guards wanted to make sure they caught him in the act.  It must be a constant source of irritation for the guards that there is always a percentage of people that seem to go out of their way to break even the most basic rules.

7/8/2008 - Seven days down and more then a thousand to go

 

 

            Seven days down and more then a thousand to go.  Many reliefs and comforts, nothing to relieve the dull pain of time seeming to stand still.  Even short moments of elation just seem to lift you higher for a time so that when you fall- you drop harder on the same dull sword that doesn’t cut you, it is not sharp enough on its own – The most you can attribute it to is a dull ache that seems to linger and drain you of your energy and hope…..

 

The beauty of Grace is that it makes life unfair!

 

We can not lose what we are not allowed to have and we can not earn what you are unwilling to give us.  So how are we to maintain, arise or overcome?  It is very hard to tell what the organizational goals are for prison.  It does not seem that an environment of reform is even attempted at least for the camp as a whole.

7/2/2008

 

 

            I am very tired and very blue.  I had planned on going off my ADD medications before coming to prison, but that did not work out.  So, now I am going cold turkey as they do not recognize ADD meds as medically necessary here.  Did I mention that I am really tired?

            Depressed, despising, alone, cut off without.  I miss my wife, children, and family so much!!  I can’t even begin to adequately describe the pain of being cut off from them and the even deeper pain of knowing how said they are as well.  This will be my prison!!

            Not the walls, the rules, the guards, not even the time, although it will be a close runner up, but the separation from those I love the most and every ounce of sorrow I cause them. 

 

Bible study today 1 Timothy 3

 

 

Continued from 7/1/08……

 

A guard gave me my bed roll and sent me out on my own to find my bunk, my temporary home. It took awhile and I was pretty anxious to see my living area and meet the people who I would soon rely on for so much.

Unit 5 is a two story “x” shaped building with some common areas, 3 television rooms, a pool table, laundry area, small library, sinks, private toilets, private showers, staff offices, and eight living areas (wings-four on each floor).

Each wing has eight cubes- four on each side with an open walkway down the middle. Each cube has two very skinny bunk beds against the 6’ high stub walls making up the cube. There are two small reading desks in the middle of the cube with two lockers on each end, essentially dividing the cube into two separate living areas. It is very much like a military barracks.

If you look at a picture I am on the wing that looks out at the visitor parking lot so I can see all of you when you pull up to visit me. J

My bunky is Mike. He is a really great guy. He has been here for several years and works in the commissary. He is what you would call “well connected” and he has made my landing here as soft as possible.

My other “cubies” Robert and Sean, also went out of their way to help me get settled in, learn the basics, and made sure that I had what I needed to make it through the first days and weeks.

I learned that I was again very blessed to have been assigned to their wing. It has some very senior campers (I prefer camper to inmateJ) and as such is very clean and does not allow problems to fester.

So, there I was in my slippers, pink socks, hospital greens, and pink t shirt. Tired, depressed, angry and blessed beyond my understanding and probably even beyond my belief. God is beloved, right where God wants to be, Come Jesus—-please come!!!

Mail Regulations for Joe

Mail Regulations

 

1)      No more then three paperback books may be received at one time, the package must say “Contains paperback books, Authorized by BOP” or similar writing.

2)      No more then four magazines may be received at one time:  the package must say “Contains magazines, Authorized by BOP”

3)      Any parcel that weighs more then 16 oz is considered to be a package and will be refused at the post office without being opened, unless properly marked.  Write on the outside what is inside; letters, pictures, etc.  A package is any item including envelopes, which are too thick for staff to feel and easily determine what the contents are.

4)      Stamps may not be received through the mail.

5)      Newspapers and hardcover books must be received directly from the publisher.  Although you can tear the hardcover and send as a paperback.

6)      Musical greeting cards are not allowed.

7)      Stationary and writing materials may not be received through the mail.

      Sexually explicit photos are not allowed.

Funny memory of Joe

In all of what Joe is going through let’s remember him during one of his finer moments.  Joe has always kept his sense of humor through this whole thing and I know he’ll continue to use that as a  way to cope with all that he’s going through

 

Enjoy!