6-7-09 – Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire

Joe and Friend

 

Fresh Wind Fresh Fire

 

 

 

 

5-15-09 Mexican-Ethiopian-European-Prison-Soccer…

..watch for the reality show soon!

OK, so here is a quick update. I think I tore my bicep or something on my rotator cuff (X-Ray next week) lifting weights, so no more weights. No more basketball either…pickleball is even hard now so what to do on these summer days. Hmmm, I know I will go play soccer. I mean how bad could it get, right? Right!

So I pulled my quad last week playing just some light pick up soccer and I have been on the mend since then. But it is so beautiful today, maybe just a little soccer. Ends up being a full game. My leg is a little sore so I decide to play goalie. I mean how bad could it get, right? Right!

Let me set the the field up for you. Mexico, Ethiopa and Scandinavia are represented very well. I am representing USA…not so well, but what I lack in talent I make up for with aggression. Which just escalates the game a litlle. The first hour is going pretty good, we are keeping the ball in their end quite a bit and when it comes my way my defenders are picking up a lot of the action. The second hour things change a bit, the other team gets 3 substitutions and we don’t get any. It is 5 to 3 for us. BUt now my defenders are dog tired and they don’t even make it down half of the time except for one faithful guy who is determined not to leave me alone to meet my doom.

So the three substitutes are all forwards and they are having the time of their life (at my expense) with at least 20 breakaways and probably another 15 shots on goal with my defenders there. Somehow they only got another 7 points..but I feel like I just got back from the front line of a battle and I am sure my dreams (nightmares) tonight will be filled with visions of people charging my goal…I hope I don’t talk in my sleep.

I can hardly walk, my face is swollen from trying to eat the soccer ball and I have plenty of bruises because Mexican-Ethiopian-European-Prison-Soccer is most definately a full contact sport…but it is the most fun I have had here in months with the exception of my visits!

Thats all for now, just thought I would let everyone know that there are good days in here as well!

Joe

4-30-09 Depression

I am going through probably the most persistent phases of depression since my first month here. it just seems to hang over me every day and I can’t figure out how to beat it yet. Overall I am fine. I am taking care of the things that need to be taken care of and i am finding some joy in the friendships that I have been fortunate enough to establish here…but as I said, the black clouds of depression are looming constantly overhead right now.

The good news is that there are some tremendous things to learn while i work through my depression, accept my depression. One of the biggest lessons for me has been learning that sometimes trying to fight or avoid being depressed is the worst thing I can do. This can actually exacerbate it and make it seem more severe. I think sometimes (not all times) you have to find a way to make “friends” with depression so it doesn’t consume you. (I can imagine John Piper saying to to be “joyfully depressed.”)

Actually, I am sure Piper would say, “Don’t waste your depression.” (He wrote a great book titled Don’t Waste Your Life) and I am doing my best not to. I am learning to be more still (Psalm 46:10), more prayerful and more patient. I can’t really find any distractions to help me ‘mask’ my depression and i can’t do much to change my physical situation…but I know this is only temporary, so i am just doing my best to lean on God and honestly experience aas much joy as possible in the midst of my depression, and that is OK for now…and probably much better than OK for my future.

*As a disclaimer, i do not feel that I am clinically or chronically depressed. I am just in a situation where being depressed from time to time is to be expected.

Friday April 17, 2009

I have been working on a pretty big project here for the last 10 months with a group of 10 other inmates and a couple of staff members. It involves education, vocational training, and job placement upon release, character building, parental education, lifestyle changes and successful re-entry into communities for the inmates here. It got off to a great start; it is extremely comprehensive and ready to go. It has been ready for the last several months and is now “stuck in committee” with no indication that it is ever going to be implemented. Which isn’t just a shame for the inmates here; but it is a shame for their families, the communities that they are going back to and for the victims of their future crimes if they are not shown how to live successfully without crime. Unfortunately the recidivism rate is somewhere well above 50%. Very well above…which means that this system is definitely broke?

So we are all obviously disappointed as we wait for some sign from the BOP that they are interested in this sort of program.

In the meantime I am doing what I can to influence guys in a positive way and help them make some positive changes in their lives. At the same time I am learning how to make some positive changes in my own life. I lead a yoga class in the chapel every week day (Hmmm, Christian yoga, who would have thought?), I am facilitating a class on “Authentic Manhood” (DVD followed by group discussion), I am starting poetry and creative writing workshop next week (I have no idea how this is going to go yet) and leading a Bible study. I have also got a few ministries to send in books and media materials to the chapel, especially Prison Fellowship Ministry and John Piper’s ministry (www.desiringgod.com). So I am feeling like I am being useful and I am staying busy, which makes time go by much faster!

One of my best friends here went home last week and I really miss him (Hey Jim!) but I am also really happy to know that he is back with his family and moving on with his life.

That is all for now, thanks for keeping up with me!

Joe

Poem – Doing Time

Doing Time

 

I awoke one day,

            locked in a cage.

My mind consumed,

            with bitterness and rage.

 

I screamed…silently,

            so no one could here.

Sucking in heavy breaths,

            my eye loosed a tear,

 

then two, then ten,

            then a hundred, then more.

Then I wiped them away (because big boys don’t cry),

            and I began to explore…

 

All the conflicting emotions,

            exploding in my head.

Drowning in self pity,

            “Would I really be better off dead?”

 

I don’t belong here,

            It’s not my fault.

I am not like you, or you,

            or you at all.

 

I’m innocent…I am,

            at least “mostly” so.

But God how I wish

            I would have just said “No!”

 

If I could go back

            I promise you I would,

do what is right,

            do what is good…

 

Actually, do whatever I had to,

            not to be here.

Not to be alone,

            with what I fear.

 

Not you, not them…more like,

            the man in the mirror.

At least the man I might see,

            if things got clearer.

 

If I really am a man at all,

            that is.

If I can focus on my issues,

            not his.

 

If I can use this, this time, to understand,

            that I am guilty of this and so much more.

At least if it really is God,

            who is keeping the score.

 

If I can admit to myself,

            that I am so much like you, and you and you, it’s scary.

Even if your head is

            a little more hairy.

 

(just couldn’t find another rhyme for that line J)

 

But Things don’t have to rhyme,

in order to make sense.

Anyone can be in prison,

            You really don’t need a fence.

 

So I will end with a question,

            important, but not new.

Are you doing time,

            or is time doing you?

 

Joe

3/2/2009

 

For a Poetry Slam at Sheridan Federal Prison Camp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Long Walk

I realize that most of you do not have as muchn time to read as I do right now…So, I thoguht I would wirte down some of the thoughts that I find most interesting and share them with you from time to time.

Here is the first book I read in prison, Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela. It was not a conscious choice, but it was a fortuitous one… full of wisdom, insight and much needed perspective.

The Importance of Tucking Shirts In – August 2008

I had my T-shirt untucked during the day, which is a violation. I had the choice of sweeping the parking lot or writing a paper…easy choice!

 

A Paper on

The Importance of Tucking Shirts In

 

This paper represents the extent of my understanding, opinions, pontifications and musings about the importance of keeping one’s shirt tucked in.

 

The first and foremost reason that comes to my mind, painfully, is that if you forget to tuck your shirt in and go to lunch, you could be asked to write a two page paper on something you only know about one page of. (at least here, at lovely Camp Sheridan)

 

Obviously there is a reason why the chivalrous lords of authority (C.O.’s) want the inmates to follow the dress code (i.e., tuck in our shirts). My assumption is that the reasons would include:

1. To show respect for authority
2. To look ‘pretty’ and uniform
3. To avoid unsightly ‘plumber’s butt’ sightings
4. To help otherwise incorrigible inmates to learn to follow simple Instructions
5. To help inmates develop a warm sense of self identity in order to prepare us for a successful and enjoyable social re-integration process
6. To reinforce in the inmates mind that we don’t want to be here, just in case we forget (which is not likely)

 

Just for clarification- this is the second page of the two-page paper that I previously admitted to only having one page of knowledge about. So…

 

I suppose some other. less obvious and intelligible reasons for proper shirt tucking etiquette could be:

-So we don’t cover up our license plates (the little name tags on our belts and pants) and thus allow for easier identification from behind of any inmates trying to flee from their subterfuge by running away.

 

-To prevent covert, low riding opportunities. Wherein guys could be wearing their pants around their ankles but you could not tell because their 24XXX T-shirt is un-tucked and hangs

down to their toes.

 

-Because it looks sloppy… Sheridan Sloppy instead of Sheridan Chic.

 

-Because real men and winners tuck, whereas little boys and losers don’t (and we love to embrace the stereotypes)

 

Last, but definitely not least, because “you” said so and “we” can never be sure when you will be here looking out for “our best interests”! J

 

Lavin 37875-086

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1/8/2009 – 6 months

1/8/2009

Well it’s 2009 and I have been here for six months now, it honestly seems like much more. I have at least 24 months left to serve here (best case scenario) and then I will have to go to a half-way house in Seattle for 2 to 6 months…it seems like forever right now, but I know that there is an end in sight. actually a new beginning.

I have taken a job in the chapel as a clerk. It was actually a hard decision and was a source of a lot of drama here. But I am glad that I took the job and am looking forward to being able to help people and to organizing the books and media that the chapel has access to. I want to say thanks to Kevin and Heather Cramer and their ministry, Shadrak, for donating some great CD’s, DVD’s and books to the chapel. (and to all that help them out as well). These donations are one of the biggest sources of joy I have in here, and the materials they have sent in have been a blessing to a lot of guys in here.

It is also nice to have an office with a desk, music and even a T.V. I can watch the music videos that Shadrak sends in.

I also talked with www.desiringgod.org (John Piper’s Ministry) and they are sending one book or Bible each month to any inmate that requests one absolutely free. We have permission and support of one of the caseworkers here to do this. Right now I am trying to find or create a Moral Reasoning Assessment and Development program that can be offered to all inmates here (and hopefully at other prisons as well). I think I mentioned before that there is currently no requirement or even opportunity for inmates to go through that type of program other than drug rehab.

After that I want to advocate for some parenting and marriage groups and/ or classes.

We have a long way to go with these programs and we are definitely going against the current; so nothing is guaranteed. But we have a committed group of talented guys putting it all together and we also have a committed BOP caseworker that is standing behind us as well.

Bottom line is that I am keeping busy and everyone seems to agree that is one of the best ways to make your days, weeks and months go faster.

Happy New Year,

Joe

Poem – Beautiful Circumstance – 12/14/08

Beautiful Circumstance

God, please teach me

what I do not know

Help me to understand

what I don’t comprehend

Turn this dark night

into a new day

and bring these trials

to an end

Sooner, rather than later

is my desperate prayer

But not before the blessings

to which my suffering cannot compare

I am comforted because

this much I know

this momentary suffering can take me

someplace you want me to go

Because this period of loneliness & despair

could actually be your answer to my prayers

A beautiful circumstance

carefully planned

urging me to once again

put my life in your hands

Thank you!

Joe 12/14/2008