1 Day Left

This is officially my last email that I will send from prison! I am leaving here tomorrow and I can’t even begin to describe how happy and excited I am.
Some parting thoughts.
Undoubtedly this experience will have a long lasting impression on my life; on my attitudes, my beliefs, the things I value, the things I could now care less about, on who I love and how I love them, on how I live and enjoy each moment of my life…..
Prison is, above all else, a crucible where men either get better or much, much worse. The said commentary is that many more men seem to get worse rather than getting better. Some of the ones who are becoming better men hide their progress from their “peers” because it can be a pretty serious scarlet letter in here. Common sense, decency and affection can be hard to find in this place…the tendency to act like, and be treated like, something much less than human is so common place in here that it eventually goes completely unnoticed.
On the flip side there are good men in here. Good inmates and good guards, they may be few and somewhat far between, but they are here and they…we…gravitate towards each other. I have made friends here that I will value for a very long time, some that I believe will last the rest of my life. Good men, just not perfect men…kind of like me
I feel good about how I served my time here. I believe that I had a positive impact on quite a few guys, inmates and guards alike, and on the prison and some of it’s programs as well. I am very pleased with the personal and spiritual growth that I have undertaken while I am here and for the work Wendy and I have done on our relationship to make it even better than it was.
Lastly, I am so very thankful for all of the wonderful support and friendship that Wendy and I both received during this time. This would have been exponentially harder without all of the wonderful friends and family that we are blessed with. I look forward to seeing you all soon.
With much anticipation,
Joe

1 Week to go…

Hello All,
I was looking for something profound to say all this week, being my last official weekly countdown email, and I kept coming up with things that sounded a bit trite. But then I came across an article in Surfer magazine that said just about everything I wanted to say….
I have been very impressed with Bethany Hamilton’s life story and I just saw that they are making a movie out it (www.soulsurferthemovie.com) I think it will be great for young and old alike, but especially for kids who could use a good role model. Here are some excerpts from the article….
“All lives have defining moments. For most of us, they come in the form of complicated private lessons, the product of years of introspection. But for a small percentage, these life-changing moments occur publicly and spontaneously…terrifying, potentially fatal and very public, Bethany Hamilton’s defining moment was most surfers’ worst nightmare. On halloween morning, 2003, 13 year old Bethany was attacked by a 14 foot tiger shark while surfing. With one bite the shark took off her entire arm and a good part of her surf board. Her friends got her in to the beach and then to the hospital but not before she lost half of the blood in her body”….she was back in the ocean surfing again in just three weeks! Wow, I don’t know if I could have ever gone back.
What really impressed me though, was the two page testimony spread in the magazine. The title read “People Ask, how can God be good if he allowed the shark attack.” What a great question!
“We all get caught in the impact zone at some point in our lives, and sometimes we hit the reef. For me, my adversity was much more than the shark attack. My challenge was trusting in God when life got rough, facing the world at age 13, learning to surf again without fear and adjusting to life with one arm, and suddenly becoming well known. I had a choice – to keep going for it, or to give up. I chose to go for it with God by my side. I know that sometimes people are angry with God when bad things happen that can’t always be explained. Which I can understand, and at times I have thought, ‘Why me?’ A scripture that has always encouraged me in those times is Jeremiah 29:11 ” ‘For I know that plans that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you a future and a hope.’ ” God’s plan and love for me are what motivate me to strive for my goals, and what encourage me to live without doubt and disbelief! I know that I am not perfect; I struggle just like anyone else. But my hope is for my life overall to reflect the love of Jesus and to inspire everyone who is going through difficult times to press on towards their goals, trusting God and remembering he has a perfect plan despite our circumstances.”
I have similar hopes for my life and for my time here in prison. I hope I have been faithful and effective. I am glad this time is coming to an end and I am very excited to come home!
See you soon,
Joe
PS – Additional links for Bethany and her movie….www.cobianusa.com www.bethanyhamilton.com
PSS – She also has a DVD documentary of her story entitled Soul Surfer you might me able to get from www.walkingonwater.org

2 Weeks and Very Thankful!

Hello All,
Two weeks left and the days are getting really, really long. Almost as long as the days were when I got thrown in the hole (segregation unit) for 5 weeks last year. But those days passed and these will as well.
A pretty good friend of mine here got a letter from one of his young daughters that broke my heart to read and, later, made me very, very thankful for Wendy and for the friends that have been such an enormous help to us during these difficult times. With his permission, here is just the opening of the letter…
“Daddy, me and Rachel have been talking and we were hoping that you could talk to Nanny. We don’t want to live here anymore. Mom is never home, the electricity is off and there is never any food in the house. We only go to school a few days a week. How much longer until you think you will be coming home? Julia wants to stay with mom but me and Rachel were hoping you could talk to Nanny about us maybe living with her, do you think she will let us Daddy?”
As tragic as that letter is, it is not that unusual of a circumstance around here. That and watching the news lately has made me realize how sheltered and safe my life has become and how easy it is to forget, or at least ignore, the worst of the human condition that is in reality, so close to us all. I had to come to prison to brush up against it, but these kids (or some just like them) are probably in your child’s classroom or very close to it. Thoughts to ponder….
Thank you again and again and again to everyone who has helped us out emotionally, financially, physically, prayerfully….
Joe

3 Weeks To Go…..

3 Weeks…..21 days…..500 hours…… Wow!
The good news is that time is only standing still and it has not started going backwards. Even better is the fact that after talking with several people who have, and are, experienced the “time has stopped” phenomena no one has yet to experience the “time is going backwards” phenomena…this is very good news at this point!
I had a pretty good week last week in terms of feeling productive. I was able to talk to a group of about 140 inmates about finding a job on Wednesday, about being good fathers on Thursday and then on Friday I shared my life story with them in addition to the warden and his staff as well as several federal judges, prosecutors and US attorneys that were touring the prison. I had great response from inmates, BOP personnel and the judge and some of her staff as well. It was a pretty satisfying week. I got so many Atta Boys from inmates and staff on Thursday that the guys were joking around that it was officially “Joe Lavin” day and so I of course made the most of it  Best of all Wendy and Maddy came to visit on Saturday during which I experienced the “wow, time is really flying” phenomena which was immediately replaced by the “time has stopped” phenomena as soon as I left the visiting room
Anticipation…..
Joe

4 weeks

….and nothing profound to say this week. Time has come to an almost standstill at this point, but that is what I was told to expect. Do you remember that clothing store commercial where the woman is standing with her face pressed against the glass chanting, “Open, open, open, open…..” Well, that is me at this point  The great news is that I have less days left (27) than months I will end up serving here (33) and I can count the weeks left on one hand.
See you soon,
Joe

PS – For those of you that like the Psalms, here is a personal meditation/prayer that I put together for myself from the 119th Psalm. I keep one copy on my desk and another in the front cover of my Bible and refer to it quite often…..
Heavenly Father,
Help me to be blameless, to walk in your law. Help me to keep your testimonies and seek you with my whole heart. Oh God, please let me be steadfast in my ways and keep your statutes. I want to praise you with an upright heart and learn all of your righteous rules.
Dear God, help me to keep my way pure and to guard myself according to your word. I want to seek you with my whole heart and not wander from your commandments. Please help me to store your word in my heart so that I might not sin against you. Blessed are you oh Lord!
Please be gracious with me that I may live and keep your word. Open my eyes that I may behold wondrous things out of your law. Bless me that I might delight in your testimonies.
When my soul clings to dust, give me life according to your word. Allow me to understand your precepts and cause me to meditate on your wondrous works. When my soul melts away for sorrow, strengthen me according to your word.
Give me understanding that I may keep your truth and obey it with joy and with my whole heart. Incline my heart to your testimonies and not to selfish gain. Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things and give me life in your ways.
Let your steadfast love come to me, Oh Lord, show me your salvation according to your promise. Dear God, let me speak of you before kings and friends alike and not be put to shame. Let my words and actions glorify you my Lord.
Teach me good judgment and knowledge, help me to believe in your teachings. If I must go through afflictions to truly learn your statutes and how to keep your word then let it be so. Anything that I might be truly able to say, “Your ways are better to me than wealth and riches, than fame and glory.” Whatever the path or circumstances, let your steadfast and ever present love be my comfort.
My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word. My eyes long for your promise. I am yours, save me. Oh how I love your word and desire to meditate on it all day long, please help me to do so. Teach me, Oh Lord, so I do not turn away from you. Let your word be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Give me life according to your word. Let your testimonies be the joy of my heart.
Dear God, I am your servant, deal with me according to your steadfast love, teach me your statutes and give me understanding.

5 weeks

Hello Everyone,
Wow, 5 weeks left. I can actually count them on one hand. Pretty cool. I am not sure if I mentioned this last week, but the days are definitely getting longer….
Some thoughts on the lofty ambitions I came here with. When I came here, after the initial shock wore off at least, I thought of all of the change that I could be part of. How I could make this a better place and how men’s lives would be changed because of my “enormous” presence in them, etc., etc., etc….  At some point along the way, I gave up on that inflated thinking and just started to focus on finishing the day in front of me.
Like the other day: I am walking out of my cube (cell) on the way to workout and there are 2 guys basically lined up to talk to me. The first has a problem that he cannot resolve with someone in our unit who will not conform to some basic sanitation standards, since I am basically the entire Inmate Conflict Resolution Group right now it is my job to confront him and see if he is willing to change before staff or other inmates take it upon themselves to compel him to change….the next guy is finishing up a 3 year sentence in a couple of weeks and has just found out that there is another man living at his house and he will not be able to go home to his wife, his house; what he thought was his life…needless to say that I missed my workout. After that I helped a couple of guys clarify and put down their long and short term goals on paper (I lead a goal setting workshop occasionally) and then helped a guy write a poem for his wife…taught a personal trainer course…played some chess and went to bed. All in all a fairly typical day.
So in the end, I did not change the system, stop crime, end world hunger, etc…but I did show up and offer whatever little I had to whoever wanted it and I am strangely, somehow, more than satisfied with my humble contributions….Did I mention I only have 5 weeks left?

Joe

6 Weeks – Digging Deeper

Hello All,
6 Weeks to go…these are getting kind of fun to send! Time for some serious introspection…..
I think, at times, though they may be rare, I have had moments of pure compassion for the world, that I have truly cried for the world. But then again, I am often too busy crying for myself to really cry for others….
No, that is not true. God has mercifully placed an empathy for others in my soul and I daily seem to carry this mixed blessing. But what is often missing is the associated actions, the practical manifestations of some of my deepest callings. I do not know what stops me from taking action…I hate to think it is fear, but I hate even more to think it is really just everyday, common apathy.
I have often wondered if my prison experience would change me in some dramatic way, specifically regarding this area*. That it would provide me with some magic missing impetus or drive to engage myself in the social injustices that surround me, that surround us all. That I might leave here with a fire and presumed ability to change the world.  Well, I am leaving here in a matter of weeks and I do not think that is the case. I am a changed man for sure, whether that is a matter of time or circumstance or both, I believe it is most importantly a matter of God’s Holy Spirit working on me. However, in changing I have gone deeper inward and I am more focused on the deep matters of my heart, of my personal truths and the importance of just living those truths…because that is quite honestly hard enough for me in itself. I guess that through these emails and other avenues I am also trying to share these truths. I do not really know how these changes are going to take shape once I am back in the free world with my family and friends…with my desires and ambitions…with pleasure and pain…with joy and suffering…but I am extremely excited to find out.
Hopefully I will care enough and be brave enough to really find out!
Soon,
Joe
* PS – I would say that one of the worst thing that prison does to you is to desensitize you. Bad things happen in prison quite often. They are often very unfair and extremely power oriented. The weaker party or ‘victim’ is pretty easy to discern, but helping them in any obvious way can be a disastrous decision. So, you learn to look away and accept things as ‘normal’ unless they happen specifically to you or one of your carefully chosen close friends…it is not a good way to live, to practice being human. That is not the primary reason for the thoughts above, but it is the circumstance I am in so it obviously has some bearing. I know that I will be able to instantly shed most of my prison callousness as soon as I walk through the door, but I can see how it can be difficult to do so for many ex-prisoners….and I wonder which parts will stay with me.

7 Weeks

Hello Everyone,
7 weeks left; actually 49 days, 12 hours and about 38 minutes….but who is counting, right?
Lots of challenges are seeming to pop up as I get ready to leave and re-enter the free world. It seems that apartments do not like ex-felons very much and the IRS is way too fond of this ex-felon. Ahhh, the worries of a soon to be free man
Regardless of the upcoming challenges, I am excited about the opportunity to move on in my life and be reunited with my family and friends. However, I am not overly anxious to “put this all behind me” and forget about it. I am definitely not going to try and hide, or be embarrassed at all about, this period of my life. I do not regret (in a moral sense at least) the decisions that led me here or how I handled my time here. This is going to be a big part of my life-story for quite some time.
A good friend of mine came down to visit me this last weekend and he asked me if I was a better man because of all of this, and the truth is that I am. I am a better husband, a better father and a better friend. I am older, wiser, humbler, calmer, much more patient and I feel like I am much better grounded. I think I will actually appreciate life more than I was able to before and I will also be able to marvel in things I used to take completely for granted. So in the end I have to be thankful, especially for the worst parts of this experience, because it is the worst parts that wrought the most good changes. It is funny how that works…
Moving on,
Joe

8 Weeks To Go

Hello everyone,

8 weeks to go, man that feels good to say (er, write Not much else to say this week other than I am obviously getting excited about the next step in this journey. Wendy came down this weekend and we are starting to talk more concretely about what that actually is going to look like and some of the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead of us. It is nice to be able to start thinking about the future and acknowledge that this separation and all of the negatives of prison will soon be behind us. I think that for many people, including us, you just do the time that is in front of you and try not to think about what is on the other side of the fence until you get close to it. Otherwise the mental games get a little complicated…..Thankfully, we are past that point and ready to move on with our lives!

More next week,

Joe

9 Weeks – Scars

Hello everyone,

9 weeks and counting! Hard to believe. I started to write something this week and ended up with a bit of a rant….quite a lengthy one actually. So I am going to consider that self-therapy and not send it. Instead I am sending something that I wrote a couple of months ago for Wendy. It is a little intimate, but I think it is pretty thought provoking as well….and after all isn’t that the point?  

Scars
I love it when you touch me there
When you kiss me there
When you notice what other’s do not
Or at least what they pretend not
To notice
But you do more than notice
You understand
Others just rush by in a hurry
To get somewhere
Which turns into nowhere
You actually stop and linger
Hovering over my scar
Lightly tracing it’s contorted shape
With your trembling fingers
Turning less than nothing
Into more than something
Your breath flows over my ravaged skin
As you breathe life into parts of me
That have seemed dead for so long
You take what I considered ugly
And make it beautiful, sacred
I love it when you touch me there…

Joe